So my husband and I, as well as everyone we know, completed Portals shortly after it came out. Our first thought, of course, was to make the cake the game so vehemently insists is a lie. From reading the recipe, it was 2 cakes, one made of a standard cake mix, the other made from scratch, as well as a long list of robot parts.

This presents a problem, obviously one due to Glad’s insanity. However, vanilla crazy cake is a real thing, a vanilla-white cake that is covered with a chocolate frosting mixed with plenty of chocolate chips. The cake pictured on the opening screen obviously has chunks in it, so it is quite possible that the cake was truly modeled after real vanilla crazy cake.

Still, though, I didn’t want to completely ignore Glad’s insanity, as well as the gaming nature of the cake. Thus, I decided to use an altered cake mix so that I might make a substitution: Mountain Dew.

You see, it could be horrible to leave the milk out of a cake, or to substitute it with a nonfat liquid. In a powdered cake mix, however, the milk has been dehydrated, and is to be reconstituted by the water that you add. I could likely have figured out how much powdered milk to use, but I’m lazy and don’t want to purchase powdered milk. Thus, I went ahead with a plain white cake mix. I did add 1 1/2 extra teaspoons of vanilla, however, because white cake mixes are kind of flavorless. I substituted the full 1.25 cups of water for an equal amount of Mountain Dew, and baked immediately after mixing in two cake rounds.

It baked quite well. While it was baking, I mixed up chocolate frosting with dark chocolate chips (to represent the darkness of that thing’s soul). I have never had more trouble frosting a cake, but I eventually got it done! Then, whipped cream, cherries, and one lit candle later:

Vanilla Crazy Cake


PS: It was delicious.


Wonton wrappers are a staple of this particular household. We love rangoons: crab, garlic, chocolate raspberry…..!!!

To begin, you’ll need at bare minimum the following:
Wrappers: Egg roll wrappers cut in quarters work as well as Wonton Wrappers, so get whichever gives you more for less. 🙂
Cream Cheese (1/2 a pack will make enough for Josh and I, but we eat a lot. 1 pack for a party of 4-6 people, depending on how heavily you feature them. These would make a great “tapas” type party! Make like 5 different kinds, but it’d be like making one appetizer.)
White Sugar (2 tablespoons per pack cream cheese)
Frying oil
Pot for frying in (or deep fryer, if you’re lucky like that. I don’t have that kind of space)
Microwave safe bowl for cream cheese
Small dish of water for your fingers

The kind that I made this time were garlic, so I also needed:
1 small TEFLON COATED (very, very important!) pan (this precludes the bowl for the cream cheese, as well)
5 cloves garlic (We like garlic a LOT. If you are not a garlic fiend, 2 is plenty.)

First, you’ll make the filling. This is relatively easy — if you are making the garlic kind, you saute the garlic in the pan until done. Then cut the heat, but before the pan cools down, put in cream cheese.(Cleaning this up is where the teflon comes in serious handy)  Stir it until it melts and mixes with the garlic. Taste – if you underestimated your desire for garlic, garlic powder can be added now. If you overestimated, add more cream cheese!

If you instead want a crab rangoon, get to this point, and then add about 1/2 a pack of Krab. Yes, Krab. This is not the time for that super-expensive real stuff, make crab cakes or something else more deserving with that. Other great add-ins to the garlicky stuff: scallions, chicken bits (BITS! TINY!), cheddar, bacon (!)….etc. I think I’ll make bacon/cheddar/scallion this evening, actually, that sounds good.

If you want chocolate raspberry, whip out that microwave safe bowl. 1/2 cup of chocolate chips (again, rangoons are a great place to crimp on cash, and you won’t notice cheap chocolate here.) to every pack of cream cheese – and don’t forget your two tablespoons sugar. A little less chocolate or a little more won’t hurt you. Microwave on high for 30 seconds, stir, and add 2 tablespoons jam of your choice — we’re fond of both strawberry and raspberry here.

Rangoons are a great place to play, too! Just start with a package of cream cheese and 2 tablespoons sugar, and then add whatever you think will go well in a very creamy base.
Now that you have your filling, you’ll need your wontons. If you haven’t already, cut the egg-roll wraps into quarters, so you have little squares. Put a teaspoon or so filling on the wonton:
Then  dip your finger into water and draw it around all four edges of the square:
Then fold it in half diagonally and press down, hard, on the edges – hard enough to leave a pretty crimp.
Fold up your corners and if there are any holes, feel free to fold over any extra bits so there are no gaps.
Then, deep fry in oil that’s been heated to medium-medium high. You want it hot enough to cook to crunchy quickly – everything here is already safely edible, and the less time the wonton is in the oil, the less chance there is for an explosion. Simultaneously, however, if it’s too hot, it’ll explode on principle. If you toss in a little peice of wonton and it takes about 15-20 seconds to turn white and crisp, you’re good.

After you’re done, dust with salt or sugar, depending on your filling. You could, if you were feeling fancy, even drizzle with something indicative – like chocolate, or orange glaze, or drizzle with cream cheese and sprinkle with bacon, or the like.


(My apologies for the really bad pictures, but my camera is cantankerous at best. Sometimes I think it’d honestly be better to just take them with a camera phone. Not that I have a camera phone. But that’s why I don’t normally post photos.)